[Cloud glances up at her, but only for a moment before his eyes are back on the flowers again.]
Back at the last port, one of those shapeshifters tried to get into my head, and then three of 'em had me surrounded.
[He is not about to tell her that Sephiroth took the reins just long enough to cut them all down. She's his warden, so it will probably have to come up eventually, but that's a whole other can of worms.]
Fought my way back to the Barge, but I was injured pretty bad. Brought a sword to a gunfight as mostly just a regular guy, it was bound to happen. Been happening way too much, in fact. Can't...protect anybody like this. Not myself, not my friends...no one. Not that I was doing a great job of it back home, either, but here, I can barely even try.
So...I wanna request getting my enhancements back.
[There's clearly more to it than this, but he pauses to see what she'll even say to that much. If she just flat-out refuses, well, the rest of it is moot anyway.]
[Cloud looks up, blinking a little, but his surprise doesn't last long, considering what she's told him about herself.]
Heh. You can say that again. Thing is...
[This is the part that would have been a lot easier if she'd read his file. But he appreciates that she didn't and why, so he's just gonna have to man up and explain himself.]
I'm afraid. That if I do, I'll never figure out...who I am without them. Who I really am.
[Cloud's brow furrows in thought - this clearly had not occurred to him - but then he shakes his head.]
Not sure that would help. Might muddy the waters, even. I guess...what I really want is to figure myself out sooner rather than later. It's already been a year and a half, I wanna work.
[On himself, he means. Work toward graduation.]
People keep telling me to focus on myself, but...I feel like I was nothing but selfish for a while before...before the end. Focusing on myself sucks.
[Surely it has nothing to do with the self-loathing, right?]
[No credit to her for cleverness. That's not her thing.]
Anyway, yeah, it does suck. If there's a cheat for introspecting and shit that doesn't suck, nobody told me about it. But I can say from experience, it'd probably work better if you don't try to do it sitting silently in a corner and kicking your own ass the whole time.
I don't know, I fell ass-backwards into... Well, I'm in spitting distance of emotional health, sometimes. I can tell you what didn't help. Keeping secrets, even the ones that felt important at the time. Bottling shit up. Not that sharing always actually did a lot? But maybe it's about willingness to try. And my wings, well, I kinda... Worked my way back to them.
[Cloud sighs. Of course, it always comes back to opening up and letting people in. He's so bad at it. But it sounds like Vaggie knows what it's like, so...maybe it won't be so bad, with her.]
Well...suppose I could start by sharing stuff with you. Dunno where to begin, though.
It is my job, if you want, but I don't think spill your guts to your warden is a prerec, if you actually don't want.
[She tips her head back, looking up into the greenery, and stretches out a bit. A natural cat.]
I really just got lucky. I don't really know what Lute thought would happen, leaving me wounded in hell? Nothing good, but I doubt she knew angels could die at the time. I didn't, and she's dumber than me. I had exactly enough steam and presence of mind to ditch my uniform, and Charlie scraped my bleeding ass off the street thinking I was a regular extermination victim.
Maybe not, but if I don't, you're stuck giving vague answers to vague questions. Seems counterproductive. I just gotta suck it up and do it.
[Cloud lifts a brow.]
If you worked your way back to 'em, then it wasn't all luck.
[He pauses to gather his thoughts, figure out where to start.]
Back home, there used to be this elite group of SOLDIERs, handpicked and enhanced with mako. Propaganda machine made it out like they were heroes, but really, the war they were fighting was just Shinra getting mad that Wutai wouldn't fall in line and give up their resources. Anyway, when I was a kid, I wanted to be one, more than anything. Came from the middle of nowhere in a backwater village where I didn't fit in, so my dream was...to go to the city and become someone else.
Looks like he spends longer on his hair than I do?
[She doesn't have too much insight into actually being propagandized into joining something. She was just... made what she was. So no, she doesn't have any particular insight into those choices, better to just see where Cloud's going with this.]
That's him. Back then, he was the best of the best, the untouchable war hero. I wanted to be just like him. Left to go join up when I was thirteen, didn't make the cut, so I joined the army instead. Just a rank-and-file infantryman, nothing special about me at all. Felt like a complete failure, till I met Zack. He was here, you might know him. He was SOLDIER, and...he believed in me. Inspired me. Best friend I've ever had. Only one I had, back then.
...I was sixteen when Zack, Sephiroth, and I were on a mission together in my hometown. Some shit went down, the village was destroyed in a fire. Zack and I tried to get the guy who did it, almost got ourselves killed. Would've, if the bastard in charge of the science division hadn't taken us to his lab instead. Test subjects for his pet experiment.
[Those last words are filled with disgust.]
Turns out, the reason I kept getting turned down for SOLDIER was...my mind and my sense of self were too weak to handle the enhancement process. The experiments were a modified version of that. ...don't remember much of the four years we were there, or the fifth year when Zack busted us out and dragged my catatonic ass all over the continent to keep us out of Shinra's hands. Finally started to wake back up just in time for the army to catch up with us, and...Zack took 'em all on by himself to protect me.
[This is still all lead-up to the actual problem, but it all feels relevant to him. Crucial, maybe.
Or maybe it's just that once he starts, he feels like he has to see it through.]
Mako poisoning...it scrambles memories, wipes out...who you are, makes a blank slate. By the time I was up, Zack was already bleeding out. Used his last words to pass on his sword and his legacy to me. But I was so out of it, my mind was...impressionable. And the experiments...gave me all the abilities of a SOLDIER, and made it possible for me to passively absorb other people's memories. Surface ones, what's going through their minds right then - doesn't happen anymore, but back then my own memories and self were so weak it was like my mind was reaching out, searching for something to latch onto.
So...between Zack, and finding my childhood friend when I got to the city, and all the mixed-up memories of Sephiroth...
[His tone turns disgusted again, but this time there's an edge of bitterness. It's entirely for himself, now.]
Managed to convince myself I was a real SOLDIER with Zack's history all twisted up with what Tifa knew of my own. Became...somebody who never existed in the first place. That's the guy who saved the world. Not me.
[Vaggie's used to Cloud being easy to relate to. This is... not. This is an incredibly specific problem. She can see some parallels, weirdly enough, to her own time as not-an-angel-please-don't-ask, but venturing into them right now seems insensitive. Her opinion on the logic of this conclusion he's reached isn't that important compared to the fact that it clearly matters to him.
Charlie would validate him and shit.]
Yeah, man, that'd fuck anybody up. And hell, now you live in a place where they reach inside your head all the time. I can see why the enhancements seem weird.
[Cloud finds himself relaxing just a little. He still misses Fred, of course, but admittedly the way she had to keep stopping herself from crying the whole way through his file was a lot harder to deal with than Vaggie's practical response.]
Ugh. Yeah, all the breaches and floods and shit? Really not helping.
[He shrugs with a slight air of helplessness.]
So...what do you think? Think I can figure out who the real me is before we end up in another life-or-death situation, or should I try doing what you do with your wings and hope it doesn't bite me in the ass?
I think we both see the upside of you being better equipped to respond, considering the kind of emergencies we have around here. But...
[She frowns, thinking through the question.]
If I'm understanding this right, the parts of this that really fuck with you are in your head, and the doodads are... I don't know, a very clear and present reminder? Or are they all part of the same system?
A reminder, I think. Getting enhanced and losing myself were the same process, so...guess I'm worried I might associate one too much with the other. Back home, everyone knows me as the 'hero' who saved the world, but now that the threat is gone, what good is that? Ever since I came here, I've been trying to figure out if there's more to me, or if...the fighter is all I am.
Well, this is the place to do it. It's one of the few things I think is an unmitigated upside. Maybe I'm too used to hell, but at least here we're away from whatever was fucking us up.
[She mulls for a long moment.]
If it were me, I'd err on the side of being able to do efficient violence if the need arose and, like, do some journaling about how weird it felt. But you're not me. So. Imagine that happening. That we get, I don't know, invaded by... were you here for the weird rusty dream monsters? That some bullshit happens. And you have your shit active. Does it feel freaky or useful? Or both?
Yeah...and away from whatever we were fucking up, too.
[Which is by far the more important part, in Cloud's mind.]
Uh...that's a no on rusty dream monsters, but I've had reasons to fight. Actually did fight with all my shit back on the Narrenschiff when the Admiral lost us for a minute and Hela tried to murder everyone. And that was...a lot more than just useful. But that's the problem. I only really feel like 'myself' when I'm fighting. That's...
[He shakes his head. It's not good. It's not what Tifa and the kids need. And if that's all there is to him, then he isn't what they need.]
[Writing stuff down, huh? Cloud's not much for writing, but who knows - maybe it would be sort of like Sheehan's art therapy thing. Another way of figuring shit out that doesn't require talking to anyone about it. He'll have to give it some thought.]
Nothing. I joined up with the army when I was thirteen. Before that, I was just...a backwater kid with big dreams and no idea what the world was really like.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She'll find him sitting near some yellow flowers, deep in thought.]
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[She sits heavily, mindful of the flowers.]
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[Cloud glances up at her, but only for a moment before his eyes are back on the flowers again.]
Back at the last port, one of those shapeshifters tried to get into my head, and then three of 'em had me surrounded.
[He is not about to tell her that Sephiroth took the reins just long enough to cut them all down. She's his warden, so it will probably have to come up eventually, but that's a whole other can of worms.]
Fought my way back to the Barge, but I was injured pretty bad. Brought a sword to a gunfight as mostly just a regular guy, it was bound to happen. Been happening way too much, in fact. Can't...protect anybody like this. Not myself, not my friends...no one. Not that I was doing a great job of it back home, either, but here, I can barely even try.
So...I wanna request getting my enhancements back.
[There's clearly more to it than this, but he pauses to see what she'll even say to that much. If she just flat-out refuses, well, the rest of it is moot anyway.]
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Yeah, sure, makes sense. Some bullshit around here.
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Heh. You can say that again. Thing is...
[This is the part that would have been a lot easier if she'd read his file. But he appreciates that she didn't and why, so he's just gonna have to man up and explain himself.]
I'm afraid. That if I do, I'll never figure out...who I am without them. Who I really am.
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Any way you could have them when you need them? On standby for emergencies, but not while you're soul searching and growing as a person and shit?
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Not sure that would help. Might muddy the waters, even. I guess...what I really want is to figure myself out sooner rather than later. It's already been a year and a half, I wanna work.
[On himself, he means. Work toward graduation.]
People keep telling me to focus on myself, but...I feel like I was nothing but selfish for a while before...before the end. Focusing on myself sucks.
[Surely it has nothing to do with the self-loathing, right?]
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[No credit to her for cleverness. That's not her thing.]
Anyway, yeah, it does suck. If there's a cheat for introspecting and shit that doesn't suck, nobody told me about it. But I can say from experience, it'd probably work better if you don't try to do it sitting silently in a corner and kicking your own ass the whole time.
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[Not that he's sure he could explain exactly what it is he thinks he'd question, but still.]
Uh...
[He ducks his head a little, pouting slightly. Why you gotta call him out like this, Vaggie? It's almost like it's your job or something!]
...maybe. Then how do I do it?
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I don't know, I fell ass-backwards into... Well, I'm in spitting distance of emotional health, sometimes. I can tell you what didn't help. Keeping secrets, even the ones that felt important at the time. Bottling shit up. Not that sharing always actually did a lot? But maybe it's about willingness to try. And my wings, well, I kinda... Worked my way back to them.
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Well...suppose I could start by sharing stuff with you. Dunno where to begin, though.
How'd you work your way back?
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[She tips her head back, looking up into the greenery, and stretches out a bit. A natural cat.]
I really just got lucky. I don't really know what Lute thought would happen, leaving me wounded in hell? Nothing good, but I doubt she knew angels could die at the time. I didn't, and she's dumber than me. I had exactly enough steam and presence of mind to ditch my uniform, and Charlie scraped my bleeding ass off the street thinking I was a regular extermination victim.
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[Cloud lifts a brow.]
If you worked your way back to 'em, then it wasn't all luck.
[He pauses to gather his thoughts, figure out where to start.]
Back home, there used to be this elite group of SOLDIERs, handpicked and enhanced with mako. Propaganda machine made it out like they were heroes, but really, the war they were fighting was just Shinra getting mad that Wutai wouldn't fall in line and give up their resources. Anyway, when I was a kid, I wanted to be one, more than anything. Came from the middle of nowhere in a backwater village where I didn't fit in, so my dream was...to go to the city and become someone else.
...you know Sephiroth?
[It's relevant, he swears.]
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[She doesn't have too much insight into actually being propagandized into joining something. She was just... made what she was. So no, she doesn't have any particular insight into those choices, better to just see where Cloud's going with this.]
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That's him. Back then, he was the best of the best, the untouchable war hero. I wanted to be just like him. Left to go join up when I was thirteen, didn't make the cut, so I joined the army instead. Just a rank-and-file infantryman, nothing special about me at all. Felt like a complete failure, till I met Zack. He was here, you might know him. He was SOLDIER, and...he believed in me. Inspired me. Best friend I've ever had. Only one I had, back then.
...I was sixteen when Zack, Sephiroth, and I were on a mission together in my hometown. Some shit went down, the village was destroyed in a fire. Zack and I tried to get the guy who did it, almost got ourselves killed. Would've, if the bastard in charge of the science division hadn't taken us to his lab instead. Test subjects for his pet experiment.
[Those last words are filled with disgust.]
Turns out, the reason I kept getting turned down for SOLDIER was...my mind and my sense of self were too weak to handle the enhancement process. The experiments were a modified version of that. ...don't remember much of the four years we were there, or the fifth year when Zack busted us out and dragged my catatonic ass all over the continent to keep us out of Shinra's hands. Finally started to wake back up just in time for the army to catch up with us, and...Zack took 'em all on by himself to protect me.
[This is still all lead-up to the actual problem, but it all feels relevant to him. Crucial, maybe.
Or maybe it's just that once he starts, he feels like he has to see it through.]
Mako poisoning...it scrambles memories, wipes out...who you are, makes a blank slate. By the time I was up, Zack was already bleeding out. Used his last words to pass on his sword and his legacy to me. But I was so out of it, my mind was...impressionable. And the experiments...gave me all the abilities of a SOLDIER, and made it possible for me to passively absorb other people's memories. Surface ones, what's going through their minds right then - doesn't happen anymore, but back then my own memories and self were so weak it was like my mind was reaching out, searching for something to latch onto.
So...between Zack, and finding my childhood friend when I got to the city, and all the mixed-up memories of Sephiroth...
[His tone turns disgusted again, but this time there's an edge of bitterness. It's entirely for himself, now.]
Managed to convince myself I was a real SOLDIER with Zack's history all twisted up with what Tifa knew of my own. Became...somebody who never existed in the first place. That's the guy who saved the world. Not me.
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Charlie would validate him and shit.]
Yeah, man, that'd fuck anybody up. And hell, now you live in a place where they reach inside your head all the time. I can see why the enhancements seem weird.
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Ugh. Yeah, all the breaches and floods and shit? Really not helping.
[He shrugs with a slight air of helplessness.]
So...what do you think? Think I can figure out who the real me is before we end up in another life-or-death situation, or should I try doing what you do with your wings and hope it doesn't bite me in the ass?
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[She frowns, thinking through the question.]
If I'm understanding this right, the parts of this that really fuck with you are in your head, and the doodads are... I don't know, a very clear and present reminder? Or are they all part of the same system?
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If I get the mako back now, I might never know.
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[She mulls for a long moment.]
If it were me, I'd err on the side of being able to do efficient violence if the need arose and, like, do some journaling about how weird it felt. But you're not me. So. Imagine that happening. That we get, I don't know, invaded by... were you here for the weird rusty dream monsters? That some bullshit happens. And you have your shit active. Does it feel freaky or useful? Or both?
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[Which is by far the more important part, in Cloud's mind.]
Uh...that's a no on rusty dream monsters, but I've had reasons to fight. Actually did fight with all my shit back on the Narrenschiff when the Admiral lost us for a minute and Hela tried to murder everyone. And that was...a lot more than just useful. But that's the problem. I only really feel like 'myself' when I'm fighting. That's...
[He shakes his head. It's not good. It's not what Tifa and the kids need. And if that's all there is to him, then he isn't what they need.]
...what's journaling?
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Writing down stuff that happened to you and how you feel about it so you can work out how you feel about it. Charlie's really into it.
[Wheels are turning.]
Okay, so for example we know exactly how you feel about that. What'd you do before you were a soldier?
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[Writing stuff down, huh? Cloud's not much for writing, but who knows - maybe it would be sort of like Sheehan's art therapy thing. Another way of figuring shit out that doesn't require talking to anyone about it. He'll have to give it some thought.]
Nothing. I joined up with the army when I was thirteen. Before that, I was just...a backwater kid with big dreams and no idea what the world was really like.
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Cool, we're starting from scratch.
...That wasn't sarcasm, by the way, that's where I kicked shit off, too.
[She twists her hands to loudly crack as many knuckles and joints as she can for emphasis.]
Welcome to who the fuck am I when I'm not a weapon. It mostly sucks, but some fun shit is in there.
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