It is my job, if you want, but I don't think spill your guts to your warden is a prerec, if you actually don't want.
[She tips her head back, looking up into the greenery, and stretches out a bit. A natural cat.]
I really just got lucky. I don't really know what Lute thought would happen, leaving me wounded in hell? Nothing good, but I doubt she knew angels could die at the time. I didn't, and she's dumber than me. I had exactly enough steam and presence of mind to ditch my uniform, and Charlie scraped my bleeding ass off the street thinking I was a regular extermination victim.
Maybe not, but if I don't, you're stuck giving vague answers to vague questions. Seems counterproductive. I just gotta suck it up and do it.
[Cloud lifts a brow.]
If you worked your way back to 'em, then it wasn't all luck.
[He pauses to gather his thoughts, figure out where to start.]
Back home, there used to be this elite group of SOLDIERs, handpicked and enhanced with mako. Propaganda machine made it out like they were heroes, but really, the war they were fighting was just Shinra getting mad that Wutai wouldn't fall in line and give up their resources. Anyway, when I was a kid, I wanted to be one, more than anything. Came from the middle of nowhere in a backwater village where I didn't fit in, so my dream was...to go to the city and become someone else.
Looks like he spends longer on his hair than I do?
[She doesn't have too much insight into actually being propagandized into joining something. She was just... made what she was. So no, she doesn't have any particular insight into those choices, better to just see where Cloud's going with this.]
That's him. Back then, he was the best of the best, the untouchable war hero. I wanted to be just like him. Left to go join up when I was thirteen, didn't make the cut, so I joined the army instead. Just a rank-and-file infantryman, nothing special about me at all. Felt like a complete failure, till I met Zack. He was here, you might know him. He was SOLDIER, and...he believed in me. Inspired me. Best friend I've ever had. Only one I had, back then.
...I was sixteen when Zack, Sephiroth, and I were on a mission together in my hometown. Some shit went down, the village was destroyed in a fire. Zack and I tried to get the guy who did it, almost got ourselves killed. Would've, if the bastard in charge of the science division hadn't taken us to his lab instead. Test subjects for his pet experiment.
[Those last words are filled with disgust.]
Turns out, the reason I kept getting turned down for SOLDIER was...my mind and my sense of self were too weak to handle the enhancement process. The experiments were a modified version of that. ...don't remember much of the four years we were there, or the fifth year when Zack busted us out and dragged my catatonic ass all over the continent to keep us out of Shinra's hands. Finally started to wake back up just in time for the army to catch up with us, and...Zack took 'em all on by himself to protect me.
[This is still all lead-up to the actual problem, but it all feels relevant to him. Crucial, maybe.
Or maybe it's just that once he starts, he feels like he has to see it through.]
Mako poisoning...it scrambles memories, wipes out...who you are, makes a blank slate. By the time I was up, Zack was already bleeding out. Used his last words to pass on his sword and his legacy to me. But I was so out of it, my mind was...impressionable. And the experiments...gave me all the abilities of a SOLDIER, and made it possible for me to passively absorb other people's memories. Surface ones, what's going through their minds right then - doesn't happen anymore, but back then my own memories and self were so weak it was like my mind was reaching out, searching for something to latch onto.
So...between Zack, and finding my childhood friend when I got to the city, and all the mixed-up memories of Sephiroth...
[His tone turns disgusted again, but this time there's an edge of bitterness. It's entirely for himself, now.]
Managed to convince myself I was a real SOLDIER with Zack's history all twisted up with what Tifa knew of my own. Became...somebody who never existed in the first place. That's the guy who saved the world. Not me.
[Vaggie's used to Cloud being easy to relate to. This is... not. This is an incredibly specific problem. She can see some parallels, weirdly enough, to her own time as not-an-angel-please-don't-ask, but venturing into them right now seems insensitive. Her opinion on the logic of this conclusion he's reached isn't that important compared to the fact that it clearly matters to him.
Charlie would validate him and shit.]
Yeah, man, that'd fuck anybody up. And hell, now you live in a place where they reach inside your head all the time. I can see why the enhancements seem weird.
[Cloud finds himself relaxing just a little. He still misses Fred, of course, but admittedly the way she had to keep stopping herself from crying the whole way through his file was a lot harder to deal with than Vaggie's practical response.]
Ugh. Yeah, all the breaches and floods and shit? Really not helping.
[He shrugs with a slight air of helplessness.]
So...what do you think? Think I can figure out who the real me is before we end up in another life-or-death situation, or should I try doing what you do with your wings and hope it doesn't bite me in the ass?
I think we both see the upside of you being better equipped to respond, considering the kind of emergencies we have around here. But...
[She frowns, thinking through the question.]
If I'm understanding this right, the parts of this that really fuck with you are in your head, and the doodads are... I don't know, a very clear and present reminder? Or are they all part of the same system?
A reminder, I think. Getting enhanced and losing myself were the same process, so...guess I'm worried I might associate one too much with the other. Back home, everyone knows me as the 'hero' who saved the world, but now that the threat is gone, what good is that? Ever since I came here, I've been trying to figure out if there's more to me, or if...the fighter is all I am.
Well, this is the place to do it. It's one of the few things I think is an unmitigated upside. Maybe I'm too used to hell, but at least here we're away from whatever was fucking us up.
[She mulls for a long moment.]
If it were me, I'd err on the side of being able to do efficient violence if the need arose and, like, do some journaling about how weird it felt. But you're not me. So. Imagine that happening. That we get, I don't know, invaded by... were you here for the weird rusty dream monsters? That some bullshit happens. And you have your shit active. Does it feel freaky or useful? Or both?
Yeah...and away from whatever we were fucking up, too.
[Which is by far the more important part, in Cloud's mind.]
Uh...that's a no on rusty dream monsters, but I've had reasons to fight. Actually did fight with all my shit back on the Narrenschiff when the Admiral lost us for a minute and Hela tried to murder everyone. And that was...a lot more than just useful. But that's the problem. I only really feel like 'myself' when I'm fighting. That's...
[He shakes his head. It's not good. It's not what Tifa and the kids need. And if that's all there is to him, then he isn't what they need.]
[Writing stuff down, huh? Cloud's not much for writing, but who knows - maybe it would be sort of like Sheehan's art therapy thing. Another way of figuring shit out that doesn't require talking to anyone about it. He'll have to give it some thought.]
Nothing. I joined up with the army when I was thirteen. Before that, I was just...a backwater kid with big dreams and no idea what the world was really like.
I'll show you exorcist uniforms sometime. Monochrome, dreary, all identical. They're meant to keep us in line as much as the sinners. Say what you will for hell, but it's got more color than I ever saw. They don't have us running around the fun parts of heaven.
He glances down at his own entirely-black ensemble, slightly self-conscious. Talk about monochrome...he thinks about Angel Dust and the lively parade of colors all around his cabin, that night Cloud went to see him. She's got a point about hell, he supposes.]
So...what, you want to take me to the Wardrobe or something?
If you want, sure, yeah. But it's not about the shoes unless it's about the shoes.
[She bounces her heels a little, though, just enjoying them.]
I didn't know I wanted them until I saw them. Fuck, I was scared shit of everything back then. Scared of Charlie, which, in retrospect--
Anyway, the first time she got me to go out and do... anything, really, and there was a pair of super cute little saddle shoes in a window. This is fucking hell. Probably they were bloodstained or just got ripped off a dead child or whatever. I don't remember. I just knew they were cute as shit and I wanted them. I didn't even get those, took me way longer to... voice shit like that. But it was a crack. First one I was aware of.
[He's willing to do it, though, if she thinks it might help!
He doesn't know what 'saddle shoes' are and he makes a face at the whole dead child bit, but he listens, and he thinks he gets it. In fact...what she says really reminds him of Sephiroth. Huh.]
Hm. Well...I do have hobbies. Mostly stuff I can only do in the Enclosure, except the piano. Back home, it'd been a long time since I'd done any of it. Not sure I can say any of 'em define me or anything, though.
Yeah, that's a start, but you're probably not gonna find your meaning of life that way, but it is good practice with low-stakes stuff. Think about why you like it and what about it matters to you, that kinda thing.
Mm...playing the piano makes me feel connected to Tifa. My friend at home. She's the one who taught me to play, so it reminds me of her. And it's something I can do to...express ideas without words. I suck at words.
[Case in point. He ponders some more.]
Riding my bike helps me clear my mind. As clear as it ever gets, anyway. It's...a relief. An escape, maybe. Don't have to think about who I'm letting down or what I'm screwing up when it's just me, the road, and the wind. But - it's not just that. It's also just...the thrill, I suppose. Like snowboarding or chocobo racing, sparring, even competing in card games or whatever. I like a challenge. And I like doing something I can practice and get good at.
Yeah man, I think you might know more about yourself than you think. You have likes and experiences and shit. Even if all the bullshit casts a long shadow.
[She doesn't want to discourage him, but she also doesn't want him to drive himself crazy chasing something that only kinda exists.]
No, I guess not, but... That you is also you. Piano guy. You've got a way more literal that's not me than most people. Doesn't mean the little stuff isn't part of the answer.
[Cloud tips his head slightly as if to say, 'you've got a point.']
Okay. So, say I'm piano guy, and I get my enhancements back. Then...I'm still piano guy, but also supersoldier guy. Except there's not much fighting that needs doing most of the time, so being supersoldier guy maybe doesn't matter that much until it does.
...on the other hand...it'd mean I could fight Sephiroth again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[She tips her head back, looking up into the greenery, and stretches out a bit. A natural cat.]
I really just got lucky. I don't really know what Lute thought would happen, leaving me wounded in hell? Nothing good, but I doubt she knew angels could die at the time. I didn't, and she's dumber than me. I had exactly enough steam and presence of mind to ditch my uniform, and Charlie scraped my bleeding ass off the street thinking I was a regular extermination victim.
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[Cloud lifts a brow.]
If you worked your way back to 'em, then it wasn't all luck.
[He pauses to gather his thoughts, figure out where to start.]
Back home, there used to be this elite group of SOLDIERs, handpicked and enhanced with mako. Propaganda machine made it out like they were heroes, but really, the war they were fighting was just Shinra getting mad that Wutai wouldn't fall in line and give up their resources. Anyway, when I was a kid, I wanted to be one, more than anything. Came from the middle of nowhere in a backwater village where I didn't fit in, so my dream was...to go to the city and become someone else.
...you know Sephiroth?
[It's relevant, he swears.]
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[She doesn't have too much insight into actually being propagandized into joining something. She was just... made what she was. So no, she doesn't have any particular insight into those choices, better to just see where Cloud's going with this.]
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That's him. Back then, he was the best of the best, the untouchable war hero. I wanted to be just like him. Left to go join up when I was thirteen, didn't make the cut, so I joined the army instead. Just a rank-and-file infantryman, nothing special about me at all. Felt like a complete failure, till I met Zack. He was here, you might know him. He was SOLDIER, and...he believed in me. Inspired me. Best friend I've ever had. Only one I had, back then.
...I was sixteen when Zack, Sephiroth, and I were on a mission together in my hometown. Some shit went down, the village was destroyed in a fire. Zack and I tried to get the guy who did it, almost got ourselves killed. Would've, if the bastard in charge of the science division hadn't taken us to his lab instead. Test subjects for his pet experiment.
[Those last words are filled with disgust.]
Turns out, the reason I kept getting turned down for SOLDIER was...my mind and my sense of self were too weak to handle the enhancement process. The experiments were a modified version of that. ...don't remember much of the four years we were there, or the fifth year when Zack busted us out and dragged my catatonic ass all over the continent to keep us out of Shinra's hands. Finally started to wake back up just in time for the army to catch up with us, and...Zack took 'em all on by himself to protect me.
[This is still all lead-up to the actual problem, but it all feels relevant to him. Crucial, maybe.
Or maybe it's just that once he starts, he feels like he has to see it through.]
Mako poisoning...it scrambles memories, wipes out...who you are, makes a blank slate. By the time I was up, Zack was already bleeding out. Used his last words to pass on his sword and his legacy to me. But I was so out of it, my mind was...impressionable. And the experiments...gave me all the abilities of a SOLDIER, and made it possible for me to passively absorb other people's memories. Surface ones, what's going through their minds right then - doesn't happen anymore, but back then my own memories and self were so weak it was like my mind was reaching out, searching for something to latch onto.
So...between Zack, and finding my childhood friend when I got to the city, and all the mixed-up memories of Sephiroth...
[His tone turns disgusted again, but this time there's an edge of bitterness. It's entirely for himself, now.]
Managed to convince myself I was a real SOLDIER with Zack's history all twisted up with what Tifa knew of my own. Became...somebody who never existed in the first place. That's the guy who saved the world. Not me.
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Charlie would validate him and shit.]
Yeah, man, that'd fuck anybody up. And hell, now you live in a place where they reach inside your head all the time. I can see why the enhancements seem weird.
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Ugh. Yeah, all the breaches and floods and shit? Really not helping.
[He shrugs with a slight air of helplessness.]
So...what do you think? Think I can figure out who the real me is before we end up in another life-or-death situation, or should I try doing what you do with your wings and hope it doesn't bite me in the ass?
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[She frowns, thinking through the question.]
If I'm understanding this right, the parts of this that really fuck with you are in your head, and the doodads are... I don't know, a very clear and present reminder? Or are they all part of the same system?
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If I get the mako back now, I might never know.
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[She mulls for a long moment.]
If it were me, I'd err on the side of being able to do efficient violence if the need arose and, like, do some journaling about how weird it felt. But you're not me. So. Imagine that happening. That we get, I don't know, invaded by... were you here for the weird rusty dream monsters? That some bullshit happens. And you have your shit active. Does it feel freaky or useful? Or both?
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[Which is by far the more important part, in Cloud's mind.]
Uh...that's a no on rusty dream monsters, but I've had reasons to fight. Actually did fight with all my shit back on the Narrenschiff when the Admiral lost us for a minute and Hela tried to murder everyone. And that was...a lot more than just useful. But that's the problem. I only really feel like 'myself' when I'm fighting. That's...
[He shakes his head. It's not good. It's not what Tifa and the kids need. And if that's all there is to him, then he isn't what they need.]
...what's journaling?
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Writing down stuff that happened to you and how you feel about it so you can work out how you feel about it. Charlie's really into it.
[Wheels are turning.]
Okay, so for example we know exactly how you feel about that. What'd you do before you were a soldier?
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[Writing stuff down, huh? Cloud's not much for writing, but who knows - maybe it would be sort of like Sheehan's art therapy thing. Another way of figuring shit out that doesn't require talking to anyone about it. He'll have to give it some thought.]
Nothing. I joined up with the army when I was thirteen. Before that, I was just...a backwater kid with big dreams and no idea what the world was really like.
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Cool, we're starting from scratch.
...That wasn't sarcasm, by the way, that's where I kicked shit off, too.
[She twists her hands to loudly crack as many knuckles and joints as she can for emphasis.]
Welcome to who the fuck am I when I'm not a weapon. It mostly sucks, but some fun shit is in there.
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Heh. Okay, I'm in. Where'd you start?
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[She lets that sit for a beat.]
I'll show you exorcist uniforms sometime. Monochrome, dreary, all identical. They're meant to keep us in line as much as the sinners. Say what you will for hell, but it's got more color than I ever saw. They don't have us running around the fun parts of heaven.
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[Not what he expected her to say.
He glances down at his own entirely-black ensemble, slightly self-conscious. Talk about monochrome...he thinks about Angel Dust and the lively parade of colors all around his cabin, that night Cloud went to see him. She's got a point about hell, he supposes.]
So...what, you want to take me to the Wardrobe or something?
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[She bounces her heels a little, though, just enjoying them.]
I didn't know I wanted them until I saw them. Fuck, I was scared shit of everything back then. Scared of Charlie, which, in retrospect--
Anyway, the first time she got me to go out and do... anything, really, and there was a pair of super cute little saddle shoes in a window. This is fucking hell. Probably they were bloodstained or just got ripped off a dead child or whatever. I don't remember. I just knew they were cute as shit and I wanted them. I didn't even get those, took me way longer to... voice shit like that. But it was a crack. First one I was aware of.
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[He's willing to do it, though, if she thinks it might help!
He doesn't know what 'saddle shoes' are and he makes a face at the whole dead child bit, but he listens, and he thinks he gets it. In fact...what she says really reminds him of Sephiroth. Huh.]
Hm. Well...I do have hobbies. Mostly stuff I can only do in the Enclosure, except the piano. Back home, it'd been a long time since I'd done any of it. Not sure I can say any of 'em define me or anything, though.
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[Cloud ponders.]
Mm...playing the piano makes me feel connected to Tifa. My friend at home. She's the one who taught me to play, so it reminds me of her. And it's something I can do to...express ideas without words. I suck at words.
[Case in point. He ponders some more.]
Riding my bike helps me clear my mind. As clear as it ever gets, anyway. It's...a relief. An escape, maybe. Don't have to think about who I'm letting down or what I'm screwing up when it's just me, the road, and the wind. But - it's not just that. It's also just...the thrill, I suppose. Like snowboarding or chocobo racing, sparring, even competing in card games or whatever. I like a challenge. And I like doing something I can practice and get good at.
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[He's not sure he could articulate why not.]
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No, I guess not, but... That you is also you. Piano guy. You've got a way more literal that's not me than most people. Doesn't mean the little stuff isn't part of the answer.
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Okay. So, say I'm piano guy, and I get my enhancements back. Then...I'm still piano guy, but also supersoldier guy. Except there's not much fighting that needs doing most of the time, so being supersoldier guy maybe doesn't matter that much until it does.
...on the other hand...it'd mean I could fight Sephiroth again.
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