[Cloud finds himself relaxing just a little. He still misses Fred, of course, but admittedly the way she had to keep stopping herself from crying the whole way through his file was a lot harder to deal with than Vaggie's practical response.]
Ugh. Yeah, all the breaches and floods and shit? Really not helping.
[He shrugs with a slight air of helplessness.]
So...what do you think? Think I can figure out who the real me is before we end up in another life-or-death situation, or should I try doing what you do with your wings and hope it doesn't bite me in the ass?
I think we both see the upside of you being better equipped to respond, considering the kind of emergencies we have around here. But...
[She frowns, thinking through the question.]
If I'm understanding this right, the parts of this that really fuck with you are in your head, and the doodads are... I don't know, a very clear and present reminder? Or are they all part of the same system?
A reminder, I think. Getting enhanced and losing myself were the same process, so...guess I'm worried I might associate one too much with the other. Back home, everyone knows me as the 'hero' who saved the world, but now that the threat is gone, what good is that? Ever since I came here, I've been trying to figure out if there's more to me, or if...the fighter is all I am.
Well, this is the place to do it. It's one of the few things I think is an unmitigated upside. Maybe I'm too used to hell, but at least here we're away from whatever was fucking us up.
[She mulls for a long moment.]
If it were me, I'd err on the side of being able to do efficient violence if the need arose and, like, do some journaling about how weird it felt. But you're not me. So. Imagine that happening. That we get, I don't know, invaded by... were you here for the weird rusty dream monsters? That some bullshit happens. And you have your shit active. Does it feel freaky or useful? Or both?
Yeah...and away from whatever we were fucking up, too.
[Which is by far the more important part, in Cloud's mind.]
Uh...that's a no on rusty dream monsters, but I've had reasons to fight. Actually did fight with all my shit back on the Narrenschiff when the Admiral lost us for a minute and Hela tried to murder everyone. And that was...a lot more than just useful. But that's the problem. I only really feel like 'myself' when I'm fighting. That's...
[He shakes his head. It's not good. It's not what Tifa and the kids need. And if that's all there is to him, then he isn't what they need.]
[Writing stuff down, huh? Cloud's not much for writing, but who knows - maybe it would be sort of like Sheehan's art therapy thing. Another way of figuring shit out that doesn't require talking to anyone about it. He'll have to give it some thought.]
Nothing. I joined up with the army when I was thirteen. Before that, I was just...a backwater kid with big dreams and no idea what the world was really like.
I'll show you exorcist uniforms sometime. Monochrome, dreary, all identical. They're meant to keep us in line as much as the sinners. Say what you will for hell, but it's got more color than I ever saw. They don't have us running around the fun parts of heaven.
He glances down at his own entirely-black ensemble, slightly self-conscious. Talk about monochrome...he thinks about Angel Dust and the lively parade of colors all around his cabin, that night Cloud went to see him. She's got a point about hell, he supposes.]
So...what, you want to take me to the Wardrobe or something?
If you want, sure, yeah. But it's not about the shoes unless it's about the shoes.
[She bounces her heels a little, though, just enjoying them.]
I didn't know I wanted them until I saw them. Fuck, I was scared shit of everything back then. Scared of Charlie, which, in retrospect--
Anyway, the first time she got me to go out and do... anything, really, and there was a pair of super cute little saddle shoes in a window. This is fucking hell. Probably they were bloodstained or just got ripped off a dead child or whatever. I don't remember. I just knew they were cute as shit and I wanted them. I didn't even get those, took me way longer to... voice shit like that. But it was a crack. First one I was aware of.
[He's willing to do it, though, if she thinks it might help!
He doesn't know what 'saddle shoes' are and he makes a face at the whole dead child bit, but he listens, and he thinks he gets it. In fact...what she says really reminds him of Sephiroth. Huh.]
Hm. Well...I do have hobbies. Mostly stuff I can only do in the Enclosure, except the piano. Back home, it'd been a long time since I'd done any of it. Not sure I can say any of 'em define me or anything, though.
Yeah, that's a start, but you're probably not gonna find your meaning of life that way, but it is good practice with low-stakes stuff. Think about why you like it and what about it matters to you, that kinda thing.
Mm...playing the piano makes me feel connected to Tifa. My friend at home. She's the one who taught me to play, so it reminds me of her. And it's something I can do to...express ideas without words. I suck at words.
[Case in point. He ponders some more.]
Riding my bike helps me clear my mind. As clear as it ever gets, anyway. It's...a relief. An escape, maybe. Don't have to think about who I'm letting down or what I'm screwing up when it's just me, the road, and the wind. But - it's not just that. It's also just...the thrill, I suppose. Like snowboarding or chocobo racing, sparring, even competing in card games or whatever. I like a challenge. And I like doing something I can practice and get good at.
Yeah man, I think you might know more about yourself than you think. You have likes and experiences and shit. Even if all the bullshit casts a long shadow.
[She doesn't want to discourage him, but she also doesn't want him to drive himself crazy chasing something that only kinda exists.]
No, I guess not, but... That you is also you. Piano guy. You've got a way more literal that's not me than most people. Doesn't mean the little stuff isn't part of the answer.
[Cloud tips his head slightly as if to say, 'you've got a point.']
Okay. So, say I'm piano guy, and I get my enhancements back. Then...I'm still piano guy, but also supersoldier guy. Except there's not much fighting that needs doing most of the time, so being supersoldier guy maybe doesn't matter that much until it does.
...on the other hand...it'd mean I could fight Sephiroth again.
Well, his warden can tell him to find new hobbies. Anyway. What I mean is, supersoldier guy is clearly also something you can be, even if you did some of it with swiss cheese for brains. Like, there's a better, aspirational self you become? Not, um, a perfect true self you always were.
[A pause, as Cloud tries to think of another one.]
And mess with people on the network...anyway, I haven't been able to fight him this whole time, it sucks. It's...kind of our thing.
[To put it mildly.
'Swiss cheese for brains' takes him off-guard with how casual it is, but he decides he's not complaining. Saying it like that makes it seem like it looms over him a little less.
He considers the rest of what she says carefully.]
So...you're saying that trying to figure out who I am now won't work?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Ugh. Yeah, all the breaches and floods and shit? Really not helping.
[He shrugs with a slight air of helplessness.]
So...what do you think? Think I can figure out who the real me is before we end up in another life-or-death situation, or should I try doing what you do with your wings and hope it doesn't bite me in the ass?
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[She frowns, thinking through the question.]
If I'm understanding this right, the parts of this that really fuck with you are in your head, and the doodads are... I don't know, a very clear and present reminder? Or are they all part of the same system?
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If I get the mako back now, I might never know.
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[She mulls for a long moment.]
If it were me, I'd err on the side of being able to do efficient violence if the need arose and, like, do some journaling about how weird it felt. But you're not me. So. Imagine that happening. That we get, I don't know, invaded by... were you here for the weird rusty dream monsters? That some bullshit happens. And you have your shit active. Does it feel freaky or useful? Or both?
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[Which is by far the more important part, in Cloud's mind.]
Uh...that's a no on rusty dream monsters, but I've had reasons to fight. Actually did fight with all my shit back on the Narrenschiff when the Admiral lost us for a minute and Hela tried to murder everyone. And that was...a lot more than just useful. But that's the problem. I only really feel like 'myself' when I'm fighting. That's...
[He shakes his head. It's not good. It's not what Tifa and the kids need. And if that's all there is to him, then he isn't what they need.]
...what's journaling?
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Writing down stuff that happened to you and how you feel about it so you can work out how you feel about it. Charlie's really into it.
[Wheels are turning.]
Okay, so for example we know exactly how you feel about that. What'd you do before you were a soldier?
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[Writing stuff down, huh? Cloud's not much for writing, but who knows - maybe it would be sort of like Sheehan's art therapy thing. Another way of figuring shit out that doesn't require talking to anyone about it. He'll have to give it some thought.]
Nothing. I joined up with the army when I was thirteen. Before that, I was just...a backwater kid with big dreams and no idea what the world was really like.
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Cool, we're starting from scratch.
...That wasn't sarcasm, by the way, that's where I kicked shit off, too.
[She twists her hands to loudly crack as many knuckles and joints as she can for emphasis.]
Welcome to who the fuck am I when I'm not a weapon. It mostly sucks, but some fun shit is in there.
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Heh. Okay, I'm in. Where'd you start?
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[She lets that sit for a beat.]
I'll show you exorcist uniforms sometime. Monochrome, dreary, all identical. They're meant to keep us in line as much as the sinners. Say what you will for hell, but it's got more color than I ever saw. They don't have us running around the fun parts of heaven.
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[Not what he expected her to say.
He glances down at his own entirely-black ensemble, slightly self-conscious. Talk about monochrome...he thinks about Angel Dust and the lively parade of colors all around his cabin, that night Cloud went to see him. She's got a point about hell, he supposes.]
So...what, you want to take me to the Wardrobe or something?
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[She bounces her heels a little, though, just enjoying them.]
I didn't know I wanted them until I saw them. Fuck, I was scared shit of everything back then. Scared of Charlie, which, in retrospect--
Anyway, the first time she got me to go out and do... anything, really, and there was a pair of super cute little saddle shoes in a window. This is fucking hell. Probably they were bloodstained or just got ripped off a dead child or whatever. I don't remember. I just knew they were cute as shit and I wanted them. I didn't even get those, took me way longer to... voice shit like that. But it was a crack. First one I was aware of.
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[He's willing to do it, though, if she thinks it might help!
He doesn't know what 'saddle shoes' are and he makes a face at the whole dead child bit, but he listens, and he thinks he gets it. In fact...what she says really reminds him of Sephiroth. Huh.]
Hm. Well...I do have hobbies. Mostly stuff I can only do in the Enclosure, except the piano. Back home, it'd been a long time since I'd done any of it. Not sure I can say any of 'em define me or anything, though.
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[Cloud ponders.]
Mm...playing the piano makes me feel connected to Tifa. My friend at home. She's the one who taught me to play, so it reminds me of her. And it's something I can do to...express ideas without words. I suck at words.
[Case in point. He ponders some more.]
Riding my bike helps me clear my mind. As clear as it ever gets, anyway. It's...a relief. An escape, maybe. Don't have to think about who I'm letting down or what I'm screwing up when it's just me, the road, and the wind. But - it's not just that. It's also just...the thrill, I suppose. Like snowboarding or chocobo racing, sparring, even competing in card games or whatever. I like a challenge. And I like doing something I can practice and get good at.
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[He's not sure he could articulate why not.]
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No, I guess not, but... That you is also you. Piano guy. You've got a way more literal that's not me than most people. Doesn't mean the little stuff isn't part of the answer.
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Okay. So, say I'm piano guy, and I get my enhancements back. Then...I'm still piano guy, but also supersoldier guy. Except there's not much fighting that needs doing most of the time, so being supersoldier guy maybe doesn't matter that much until it does.
...on the other hand...it'd mean I could fight Sephiroth again.
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You're not wrong. And he doesn't really care about fighting anybody but me.
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[A pause, as Cloud tries to think of another one.]
And mess with people on the network...anyway, I haven't been able to fight him this whole time, it sucks. It's...kind of our thing.
[To put it mildly.
'Swiss cheese for brains' takes him off-guard with how casual it is, but he decides he's not complaining. Saying it like that makes it seem like it looms over him a little less.
He considers the rest of what she says carefully.]
So...you're saying that trying to figure out who I am now won't work?
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[Cloud gives her a dubious look.]
But if I've been doing it all along, how come I still don't have an answer?
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